Innovations in Sexual Therapy:
Alternative Perspectives Consistent with the Scriptural Model of the One-Flesh Union

Paul A. Twelker
Professor Emeritus of Psychology
Trinity College
Trinity International University

Readers of this document are permitted to download any portion provided "all such use is for . . . personal noncommercial benefit." Please cite the article as follows: Twelker, Paul A. (1998). Innovations in Sexual Therapy: Alternative Perspectives Consistent with the Scriptural Model of the One-Flesh Union. Internet resource available at URL: <http://www.tiu.edu/psychology/Twelker/NurturingOutline.htm> (last updated 20 April 1998) Alternate URL: <http://www.kamsandsinfo.com/Professional/Nurturing_Outline.htm>.   This document is based on papers entitled Innovations in Sexual Therapy: Alternative Perspectives Consistent with the Scriptural Model of the One-Flesh Union, presented at the American Association of Christian Counselors World Conference on Christian Counseling, Dallas, Texas in November, 1997 (with Jan Paul Hook) and the American Association of Christian Counselors Regional Conference on Christian Counseling, Chicago, Illinois, April, 1998.  Copyright 1998 by Paul A. Twelker  

Abstract: This session strategically examines how the contemporary sexual therapy models based on the pioneering work of Kinsey, and Masters and Johnson, may be brought into consistency with bibically-centered views of human sexuality.  These views begin with the God-established one-flesh union.  This concept is not addressed in current therapy models at all, thereby failing to adequately represent the richness and wonder of humankind.  The one-flesh union embraces four aspects of relationship: equality (of the genders), differentiation, complementarity and unity.  The true and authentic union is established when certain conditions are met: two persons of different gender and who are created equal make a conscious, deliberate and responsible  decision to supercede the parent-child relationship (separation in affection) with a new and permanent relationship between the male and female partners. These partners establish the union through sexual intercourse which involves the partners to the very core of their being in various spheres (psychological, emotional, spiritual, biological, neurological, sexual, and even immunological).  This enhanced, holistic view of relationship is consistent with, and is best expressed using the systems view and interpersonal view of sex, and has implications for intimacy that go far beyond the contemporary sex therapy models’ capability.  This new model also takes into account the ways in which the one-flesh union may be distorted in each of four aspects (equality, differentiation, complementarity and unity), which naturally leads to counseling implications.

From this holistic view of sexuality, the session explores how the contemporary sex therapy models fall short with their focus on performance, competence, timing, and the truncated role of love and spirituality in marital relations.  The session then sxplores how sexual misinformation and myths that are prevalent in our society further distort a couple’s attempt to develop sexual wholeness and healing.  A sexual response model is proposed that addresses the shortcomings of the current models and better represent the one-flesh union concept.  Further, the parameters of sexual wholeness are outlined in a way that integrates the psychological, spiritual, biological, emotional, neurological and immunological aspects of the human creature.  The overheads used in the session are presented below

               And they Shall Become One Flesh... “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one...”  Eph. 5:31

FLESH

Root: basar
Meanings

• publish
• bear glad tidings
• preach
• show forth

An inclusive term that:

• represents the person within the societal context
• refers to life itself
• means one’s entire self or whole personality

THE ONE FLESH UNION

• Refers to one’s personality and total being
• Relates to the urge to connect in union between man and woman
• Relates to the sexual drive as it functions to meet humankind’s deep need for connection
• Established by sexual intercourse when certain conditions are met:
•  
  • two persons of different gender
  • separate from parents
  • mutually consent to form a union
  • actively cling or unite in relationship with the other person
  • Involves Almighty God joining the two persons
• Illustrates another one-flesh union between Christ and His Church (individual believers)
• Subject to distortion and counterfeit by the action of the sin nature

PEARSALL’S PENTAMEROUS MODEL OF SEXUAL HEALING

          Sexual Healing: “the process of enhancing the natural capacity of the mind and body through pleasurable, meaningful, intimate and sensual connection with the person you love.”

FIVE LEVELS OF CONNECTION
Connection with Self
        self-esteem: our complete awareness of who we are, what we are doing, and with whom, as well
        as the purpose of our being sexually intimate
Connection with a Significant Other
         intimacy: based on honesty and responsibility in our sexual expression because we love the other person
Connection with a Sense of Purpose, Meaning and Manageability in Life
         coherence: sharing our beliefs about a higher purpose of life and with whom we find even more meaning through the act of loving--requires a mutually expressed belief system acceptable to both partners
Connection with the Current Moment
         mindfulness: being aware of the present moment and its every sensation in an unrushed manner...unimpaired by guilt, regrets, self-recriminations...free from distractions...free from feelings of obligation
Connection with the Physical Body of Someone You Love as an Intense Physical Expression and Manifestation of All Five Levels of Connection
         sensuality: connecting sensually with your own body and the body of your partner  

I Was Afraid Because I Was Naked... “It was the woman you gave me who brought me the fruit, and I ate it...” Gen 3:12

THE DISTORTION OF THE ONE FLESH UNION

SPECIFIC WAYS SEX IS DISTORTED IN THE ONE FLESH UNION

Sexual Healing East of Eden “You are already following a different way that pretends to be the Good News...”  Gal 1:6

KINSEYAN SEXUALITY

Major Assumption:  Society is curious and needs to be told that sex is natural
Scientific Philosophy:  Naturalistic, physiological
The Practicioner/Scientist:  Asker
Focus of Methodology:  Survey and count
Motivating Old Fear of the Period:  Fear of being atypical and abnormal
Motivating New Hope of the Period:   Sex without consequences, fear of conception, and worry
Sociosexual Impact: Discussion of norms, comparisons and categories
Psycho-socio-sexual Result:  Documentation of sexual activity, verification of theory and count
New Insights:  Humans are no different than animals--if we think of ourselves as different we are arrogant and we take sex out of its natural context.  Love is not important
Marriage:  A convenient state that provides a ready outlet for sex
Sexual Response Model:  Buildup, orgasm, aftereffects of orgasm

MASTERS AND JOHNSONIAN SEXUALITY

Major Assumption:  Society needs to replace sexual dysfunction with optimal sexual functioning that lives up to norms
Scientific Philosophy:  Medical, physiological
The Practicioner/Scientist: Watcher, helper
Focus of Methodology:  Watch and direct
Motivating Old Fear of the Period:   Fear of failure or missing out on pleasure potential
Motivating New Hope of the Period:   Potential to overcome sexual problems
Sociosexual Impact:  Competence, motivation control, skill emphasis
Psycho-socio-sexual Result:  Focus on treatment of sex, correcting problems, time management
New Insights: Sex involves a human system and interactions between partners; there is hope for solving problems
Marriage:  A challenge and potential for pleasure, sexual satisfaction, and pleasure
Sexual Response Model:  Energy buildup (excitement and plateau) and energy release (orgasm and resolution)

REASONS TO BE CAUTIOUS IN ACCEPTING THE ADVICE OF SEX EXPERTS IN THE MEDIA

1.  The lack of replicated, valid and current research
2.   Unfounded principles of psychology with little experimental and theoretical foundation
3.   False claims of value-free orientation that ignore a therapist’s forcing of selfish, sexual pleasure  first values on clients
4.   Needless violation of privacy through questions asked of clients
5.   Facilitating the spread of sexually transmitted disease by encouragement of extra-marital affairs
6.   Overemphasis on intense genital stimulation
7.   Unethical practices including sexual involvement with clients
8.   Devaluing of long-term relationships by emphasizing premarital sex and a system of love based on self-fulfillment, gratification, and the use of rather than the protection of marriage and family
9.   Failure to recognize the role of choice, thoughtfulness and mindfulness
10. Negative side effects of sex therapy interventions than emphasize mechanical repair
11. Lack of professional or legal regulation, the use of questionable certification programs, or the underuse of taking adequate medical histories
12.   Development of a cultist mentality

PEARSALL’S SEXUAL HEALING MODEL

Major Assumption: Our society is broken (disconnection, loss of intimacy, fear of sexually
     transmitted disease) and characterized  by unstable relationships
Scientific Philosophy:  Transpersonal psychology, holistic health
The Practicioner/Scientist: Reflector and integrator
Focus of Methodology: Experience and learn
Motivating Old Fear of the Period:  Fear of disease and fear of loss of  self
Motivating New Hope of the Period: A new intimacy is possible where sexuality goes beyond the genitals
Sociosexual Impact: Discovery of sexual potential of long-term relationship
Psycho-socio-sexual Result: Focus on meaning, intimacy and a human system where the entire marriage is sexualized
New Insights: Sex can be healing and healing can be sexual
Marriage:  Lifetime relationship
Sexual Response Model:  Desire, interest, arousal, readiness, excitement, physiological orgasm, psychological orgasm, refractory period, afterglow and contemplation--in no particular order and no particular requirement to be present in both partners

ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT SEXUALITY

Traditional:  The primary purpose of sex is to fulfill the individual.
Innovative:  The primary purpose of sex is caring and intimacy that reflects connection with self, a significant other, a sense of purpose, the current moment, and the physical body of someone you love as an intense physical expression and manifestation of all other levels of connection. (2)

Traditional:  Intercourse is the ultimate sexual act between a man and a woman.  Intercourse means insertion of the penis into the vagina.  Anything less than penetration is not really intercourse.
Innovative:  Vaginal intercourse is not the ultimate sexual act, but just one option among many intimate choices.  When vaginal intercourse becomes the ultimate act, we become goal directed and one-dimensional and we miss opportunities for forms of intimacy. (1)

Traditional:  Good sex requires trying to stop thinking and just doing it.
Innovative:  Good sex involves mindfulness, total and complete awareness of who you are, where you are, the impact of what you are doing on the entire social system, and why you are being sexual. (2)

Traditional:  Sexual proficiency or happiness is enhanced by testing  the marital waters or having premarital intercourse.
Innovative:  Sexual proficiency or happiness is enhanced by lack of sexual experience, celibacy or virginity. (2)

Traditional:  Men are “inserters” and women are receivers in sexual intercourse.
Innovative:  Partners merge and participate with each other.

Traditional:  Orgasms are muscle and genital contractions accompanied by changes in pulse rate, blood pressure, breathing, etc.
Innovative:  Genital contractions following sexual stimulation are pleasurable reflexes.  The total experience of physical, emotional and cognitive merging with someone we love is called a “psychasm” and may or may not be accompanied by genital or pelvic contractions. (1,2)

Traditional:  Orgasmic thresholds differ between men and women.
Innovative:  Orgasmic thresholds are not important and should be replaced by stressing the mind in having orgasms. (2)

Traditional:  Erection of the clitoris and penis is necessary for sex.
Innovative:  There is no need for erection of the clitoris or penis in order to achieve sexual
    fulfillment.  Such erections are reflexive and not necessary indicators of arousal.

Traditional:  Men have a refractory period and a period during which they must rest before
    continuing.  Women can go on forever.
Innovative:  Refraction is a period of change in responsivity and sensitivity in the male and female. All neurological responses are followed by some period of refraction or rest.  Refraction is not an exclusive male phenomenon.  Gender is not predictive of the length of this rest period. Refraction does not imply that all intimate behavior must cease.   Refraction does not preclude continuing intimate sexual pleasure and mutual physical intimacy. (1,2)

Traditional:  Sex energy builds up and then it must be released, followed by rest.
Innovative:  The energy of sexual intimacy is as much energy and spiritual as it is physical.  It does not have to build, but it can be maintained at a chosen level.   Rest is not necessary after sexual intimacy.  In fact, sexual interaction may be invigorating. (1)

Traditional:  Men are turned on by a wider range of stimuli than women.
Innovative:  People are erotically responsive to wide and changing ranges of sexual stimuli. Love maps, not gender, determine such responsiveness. (1)
 
Traditional:  Variety in sex partners is one of the strongest aphrodisiacs.
Innovative:  Sameness, familiarity, predictability, knowing, and comfort are more important to sexual intensity and fulfillment than newness and variety. (1)

Traditional:  Sexual response is a cycle, one phase following and building on the other, followed by a complete reversal of this cycle.  Typically, it is composed of arousal, plateau, refraction, and afterglow.
Innovative:  Sexual response is a system composed of a variety of responses in no particular order and with no particular requirement that both partners must exhibit each response. Sexual response does not have to follow a step-by-step, orderly process.  Changing back and forth to various phases of response and experience is possible. (1,2)

Traditional:  Intimate body contact is necessary for sex.
Innovative:  Sexual communication can take place on many different levels, including levels that are not always measurable by our present instruments. (1)

Traditional:  Sexual problems are based on sex-by-the-clock and experiencing orgasmic contractions at the right time to please self or partner.
Innovative:  Sexual problems are set within a holistic system that defines sexual health in a nongenital and nontiming way and uses personal interaction rather than mechanical means for understanding problems in connecting intimately and sensually. (2)
 
Traditional:  Pornography and X-rated videos are a legitimate means of enhancing sexual
    excitement.
Innovative:  Pornography and X-rated videos show distorted connection and techniques. They have an anaphrodisiac effect in the sexual healing context because thay detract from all five levels of intimate connection. (2)

Traditional:  Counseling based on research following the Masters and Johnson model provides a complete and accurate view of sexuality.
Innovative:  Sexual healing must be based on studies outside of the sex establishment, and must include psychology, neurology and immuniology. (2)

Traditional:  Masturbation is good practice for a better sex life with a partner.
Innovative:  Masturbation is not physically harmful and can be instructive, but sexual healing is concerned less with individual pleasure, technique, and timing than with shared connection and merging.  Masturbation can be a shortcut that avoids the effort to make meaningful sexual connections. (2)

Traditional:  The male-as-aggressor hypothesis helps our understanding of male and female roles.
Innovative:  The male-as-aggressor hypothesis should be replaced with views based on adequate research that reveals that:

 Women as at least as sexually driven as men

 Women almost always send out the first sexual signals

 Women are more contemplative and do tend to need a reason to have sex. (2)

Traditional:  Stopping the spread of sexually transmitted disease and teenage pregnancy depends on handing out more condoms and providing more sex education.
Innovative:  Stopping the spread of sexually transmitted disease and teenage pregnancy depend on:

• seeing sex as volitional not emotional
• providing a whole curriculum approach to sex education that includes alternatives to intercourse and teaches the meaning and healing joys of sexual intimacy openly. (2)

Traditional:  Comparing intimate sexual conduct with generalizations from sexual research helps couples determine what is right for them.
Innovative:  Comparing intimate sexual conduct with generalizations about frequency and technique from sexual research that is often arbitrary and unfounded can cause disappointment, accusations and blame.  It can prevent a couple from self-discovering ways of connecting that are free from preconceived ways society may value.  Sexual healing does not depend on comparisons to Kinsey counts and national norms, but does involve a process free from assigned averages and statistrical norms. (2)

Traditional:  Breakups between bonded couples are harder on women than men.
Innovative:  Breakups between bonded couples are hard on both partners:

• men may have more difficulty ending a relationship
• men may tend to be more physically and psychologically devastated by breakups
• women may talk about endings more
• men may avoid dealing with the breakup problem by vanishing and not calling

Traditional:  Sex therapy can solve couple problems when it focuses on sexual dysfunction.
Innovative:  Sex therapy is not a panecea to couple problems because it is intended to correct a problem which is seen as separate from the rest of the couple’s lives.  It focuses on mechanical methods rather than the means for merging and the unity of connection in all aspects. (2)

Traditional:  A sexual problem in a relationship is a dysfunction.
Innovative:  A sexual problem in a relationship should be thought of as a challenge to work harder to connect on multiple levels--sex is a way to save, and not the reason to end, a relationship. (2)

MORE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT SEXUALITY

TEN  MYTHS ABOUT MALE SEXUALITY

Traditional:  Ejaculation is orgasm.
Innovative:  Orgasm involving pelvic muscular contractions can take place without ejaculation. Ejaculation has little to do with orgasm, may even distract a man from a full orgasmic experience, are often mistaken for mindful orgasms, and focus on expecting the woman to come fast like the man does.  Men are capable of both orgasm or ejaculation,  separately or simultaneously. (1,2)

Traditional:  Once is enough.
Innovative:  Men can experience multiple experiences of pelvic contractions as long as they do not ejaculate.  Men can experience multiple psychasms. (1)

Traditional:  Ejaculation is an uncontrollable reflex that has to happen to feel complete.
Innovative:  Learning control is possible through training programs involving the use of the squeeze technique.  However, the squeeze technique focuses the couple on mechanics rather than the relationship, is potentially harmful, and makes one partner the therapist and the other the patient. Emphasis on learning control may be antithetical to learning surrender, a surrender to a more natural mind/body interaction allowing for equality of sexual response beyond nonexistent
    gender-dependent limitations. (1,2)

Traditional:  Sex is the last act (before sleep).
Innovative:  Neurohormonally, the best time for sex is late morning when sex hormones are at their peak. Sex can be energizing or rest-inducing. (1)

Traditional:  The penis is the most sensitive, most important part of sex.
Innovative:  The penis is very important only for ejaculation.  All parts of the body may be involved in sexual intimacy.  The psychological factor is all important. (1)

Traditional:  Penetration of the penis in the vagina is a necessary part of intercourse.
Innovative:  Insertion is necessary only for conception.  The couple should explore all forms of sexual and sensual intimacy they feel are appropriate.

Traditional:  Sexual drive depends on frequency of sex--the less you have, the more you want.
Innovative:  The less sex you have, the less sexual you tend to feel and think.  It is important to schedule sex if it does not come spontaneously.  Not all sex can be mutually pleasing to the same degree every time. (1)

Traditional:  Immediate, very hard, long-lasting erections are necessary for pleasure.
Innovative:  The penis may be more sensitive when flacid.  Erections are handy for conception, not for pleasure.  Erections are neurological reflexes that have little to do with complete sexual fulfillment. (1)

Traditional:  Masturbation (self-exploration or self-pleasuring) causes problems.
Innovative:  Masturbation MAY cause problems if:

•     it is engaged in against one’s own moral sanctions
•     it is done incorrectly (timing and technique wrong)
•     it is accompanied by certain fantasies preceding  and during orgasm.

Masturbation is one form of sexual stimulation that may provide an educational opportunity, sexual comfort and sexual self-esteem. (1)

Traditional:  Variety is the spice of life
Innovative:  Sexual practice does not generalize--making love well with one  partner does not  guarantee making love well with another.  It is not possible  to have deeply satisfying sex with  multiple partners (except groin-focused orgasm).  “Some of our most treasured moments in life relate to sameness, repetition, tradition.” (1)

ELEVEN MYTHS ABOUT FEMALE SEXUALITY

Traditional:  Women have “dry” orgasms.
Innovative:  Some women lose urine during sexual response.  There may be a medical problem or it may be normal.  Some loss of urine duriong pelvic contractions is not unusual.  Some women emit fluid during orgasm, probably from Skene’s glands.  The force, amount and sense of ejaculating are highly variable among women. (1,2)

Traditional:  A woman either does have an orgasm or she does not have one--she usually does not have one during intercourse
Innovative:  Orgasms are not an either/or proposition--they are a complex combination of mind, body, and interactional factors.   Orgasms come in a variety of types and degrees.  Men and  women share many sexual responses in orgasm.  “Orgasm and psychasm are not individual experiences, but strongly affected not just by the “type” and “how”, but by the “with whom” as well. (1)

Traditional:  Women are sexually sluggish and capable of intense response only after intense, prolonged stimulation.
Innovative:  Sexual response is a natural reaction to the specific situation, partner, and type of stimulation.  Sexual response is unique to each individual.  The challenge is to be natural and beautiful together--enjoy the journey more than the destination.  Speed and time and not the key variables in sexual response.  Mental, emotional and cognitive factors are person, not gender related.

Traditional:  Women do not fantasize
Innovative:  Women have sexual images and mentally rehearse love maps.

Traditional:  Men look, women feel.
Innovative:  Women may be aroused by visual stimuli, but that stimulation may not involve the groin.     An individual’s love maps will determine what stimuli will elicit a sexual response. (1)

Traditional:  Vaginal moisture is a sign of arousal.
Innovative:  Lubrication (like erection) is a reflex that does not accurately reflect our emotional or arousal state.  Our genitals are only part of a complex interactional system that can arouse us as much as signal arousal. (1)

Traditional:   Women can have orgasms indefinitely.
Innovative:  Orgasms and psychasms exist in varying degrees at varying times.

Traditional:  Women trade sex for love and men trade love for sex.
Innovative:  Men and women both report the need for love and loving.  Touching, feeling, holding, being, trusting, talking, stimulating and a host of other behaviors are all involved in sexual interaction. (1)

Traditional:  Rape as seen by some feminist theorists has little to do with sex.  It is an expression of power and dominance by men over women.
Innovative:  Rape is perceived as a way of using sex to damage, demean and hurt  rather than heal. Rape, while violent and aggressive, is related to distorted love maps and various motives. This view promotes sexual healing of the victim. (2)

Traditional:  Women are not interested in variety.
Innovative:   As women travel more and have more sexual freedom, they may seek out variety. (1)

Traditional:  Women love to give and receive oral sex
Innovative:  Men want oral sex and are reluctant to give it.  Women want it less and are very reluctant to give it.  Once oral sex is demystified and open communication takes place, oral sex becomes another opportunity rather than a forbidden act. (1)

____________
1 Pearsall, Paul (1987) Super Marital Sex: Loving for Life. New York: Ballantine
    (pgs 123-125).
2 Pearsall, Paul (1994) A Healing Intimacy: The Power of Loving Connections.
    New York: Crown Trade Paperbacks (pgs 110-115)

AN INNOVATIVE SEXUAL RESPONSE MODEL
 
          DESIRE              Refers to frequency of sexual interaction
                                    Does not refer to “wanting” sex or a drive state.
                                    Consistent with the systems approach to sexuality in that it
                                                 stresses interaction.
         INTEREST            Refers to the thinking dimension of sex.
                                    Can take place in the absence of genital response.
         AROUSAL            Refers to emotional component of sexual response
                                     Does not have to be accompanied by any genital change
                                     “HQ” (Horniness Quotient)
         READINESS         Refers to body’s response to interest and arousal
                                     A physiological reaction (e.g., tumescence)
                                     A reflex that can take place with little arousal and
                                                  be absent even if interest and arousal are great
         EXCITEMENT        Refers to emotional and cognitive reaction to readiness
                                     Related to intimacy, not a hedonistic hydraulic system
         PHYSIOLOGICAL  Refers to the contraction of the muscles in pelvic
                 ORGASM          area (and a whole lot more) followed by detumescence and
                                          perhaps emission of fluid
        PSYCHOLOGICAL Refers to a psychological experience through shared
             ORGASM              body/mind connection
        REFRACTORY      A rest period following neurological or emotional reactions where
             PERIOD                 another neurological or emotional reaction is diminished or
                                          impossible Range: milliseconds to minutes
         AFTERGLOW      A period of enjoyment, sharing that manifests itself as a glowing
                                          or “suspension in time” preceding a readiness for another
                                          experience
       CONTEMPLATION Sending and receiving signals to spouses (even in silence) 
                                          following physical intimacy.  A state of being, not doing

These aspects of sexual response are NOT ordered in a cycle.  They may or may not be present in both partners.

______________
From: Pearsall, Paul (1987) Super Marital Sex: Loving for Life. New York: Ballantine Books (pgs 125-131)

SEXUAL PROBLEMS ARE DISORDERS OF A SYSTEM

Ten bi-polar qualities of a sexual system

   A HEALTHY UNION    

Is accommodating and adjusts over time
Has high AC (alternating capacity), going back and forth between each pair                       of qualities in response to external and internal needs in the system
______________
From Pearsall, Paul (1987) Super Marital Sex: Loving for Life.  New York: Ballantine Books, (pgs 38-54)

THE LINK BETWEEN INTIMACY, HEALTH AND SEXUAL FUNCTIONING

Sexual intercourse between loving partners in a one-flesh union creates harmony:

•  in the mind (our conscious awareness)
•  in the central nervous system
•  in the immune system

HOW?
The sympathetic nervous system (SAM) turns us on
The parasympathetic nervous system calms us down

SAM and PAC work in harmony together when we find healthy connection in our relationship.

If you give:

•  a stressful meaning
•  an anxious meaning
•  a guilty meaning
•  an embarrassed meaning...

to a sexual experience...

• SAM overreacts and balance necessary for sexual arousal is disrupted.
• In order to become sexually aroused, PAC must be in primary control.

Too much SAM early on and body gets too excited...sexual intimacy is blocked.

Resulting Problems:

•  Sexual: erection or lubrication problems
•  Health: allergies, colds, flu, heart disease.

SEXUAL PROBLEMS AND “HOT TIMES”

        You run “hot” when you are feeling hostile, impatient, competitive and suffering from  “hurry illness”.  Paul Pearsall calls it “maladaptive hyperarousal”.  Your neurohormonal  system runs too hot, and the biochemistry of your sexual system interferes with your natural sexual reflex system.

             Male Problems                                                        Female Problems

Seminal seepage (no contractions)                           Skene’s glands or urinary emission
                                                                                    without contraction
Hyperarousal                                                           Hyperarousal
Ejaculatory urgency (feelings of lack of control           “Emission” urgency
    of pelvic contractions)
Shortening of refractory period                                  Shortening of refractory period
Absence of psychasm                                             Absence of psychasm
Diminished afterglow                                                Diminished afterglow
Hypersensitivity of F and/or R spot                            Hypersensitivity of G and/or C response                                                                                        area
Diminished contemplation                                         Diminished contemplation
Pelvic reflex addiction or maladaptive hypersexuality    Pelvic reflex addiction or maladaptive hypersexuality
     (loss of intimicy)                                                       (loss of intimacy)
______________
From Pearsall, Paul (1987) Super Marital Sex: Loving for Life. New York: Ballantine Books (pgs 199-200)

SEXUAL PROBLEMS AND “COLD TIMES”

        You run “cold” when you are feeling defeated, inadequate, and passive.  This is learned helplessness where there is little perceived hope, the world does not live up to expectations, and we seem powerless to change.  Your neurohormonal influences your sexual system.
 
                        Male Problems                                    Female Problems
Diminished   pre-ejaculatory fluid                         Diminished lubrication
Abbreviated orgasmic contractions                      Abbreviated orgasmic contrtactions
Absence of orgasmic contractions                       Absence of orgasmic contractions
Diminished F and/or R area sensitivity                  Diminished G and/or G area sensitivity
Prolonged contemplation                                     Prolonged contemplation
Decreased arousal                                              Decreased arousal
Absence of psychasms                                       Absence of psychasms
Diminished sexual interest                                   Diminished sexual interest
Lengthening of refractory period                            Lengthening of refractory period
______________
From Pearsall, Paul (1987) Super Marital Sex: Loving for Life. New York: Ballantine Books (pgs 200-201)

PEARSALL’S SEXUAL POSTURE OF THE FUTURE

This posture stresses:
          closeness
                    time-free interaction
                              intense and mutual psychasms

Psychasm: a psychological orgasm that occurs through a shared mind/body experience
 
Two wedge-shaped piles of pillows, one body length from each other, are positioned in a
comfortable location. Partners recline face to face nude.  Woman may be a bit more on her back. Wife or husband can reach forward and move penis into contact with vaginal area.  The sensitive areas of both the man and woman can all be touched, carressed and stimulated by any means appropriate.

The following activities are possible:

•                communication
•                rest
•                looking into eachother’s eyes
•                sending of telepathic messages
•                moving close and embracing
•                moving back and feeling
•                carressing
•                thinking about each other
•                exploring feelings
•                enjoying physical and emotional sensations
•                sharing
•                embracing at will
•                enjoying pressure-free, time-free sex, with or without erection, lubrication or orgasm
•                giving massages
•                kissing
•                exploring non-sexual portions of the body

ADVANTAGES OF THE POSTURE OF THE FUTURE

1.  Enhances and promotes both verbal and nonverbal communication during sexual intimacy
2.  Deemphasizes putting on a sexual performance by concentrating as much as possible on the giving and receiving of sensual pleasure
3.  Promotes relaxation and enjoying oneself and one’s partner
4.  Reduces the chance of anxiety (no goals to achieve)
5.  Reduces the chance of “failures” by focusing on having moment-by-moment pleasure and intimacy

       Counseling...Approved by God      “We pray to god that you will not do anything wrong...”  2 Cor. 13:7

TOWARD A ONE-FLESH UNION MODEL OF SEXUALITY

Major Assumption: Our society distorts and counterfeits the one-flesh union; restoration involves an consent to form a union, actively cling in relationship, and establish the union through sexual intercourse
Scientific Philosophy: Interpersonal psychology, theology
The Practicioner/Scientist:   Integrator and ambassador/reconciler
Focus of Methodology:  Experience and work out your faith together, empowered by the Holy Spirit Motivating Old Fear of the Period: Loss (or lessening) of ability to become self-fulfilled
Motivating New Hope of the Period: The reality of the one-flesh union can be worked out through the indwelling power of the Holy Spirit by each partner individually and cooperatively
Sociosexual Impact:  Discovery of the potential of one’s personality and total being being connected in union with another in a permanent relationship
Psycho-socio-sexual Result:  Focus on holistic merging of two individuals in a human system that glorifies God by maximizing aspects of equality, differentiation, complementarity and unity
New Insights: The one-flesh union represents the union between Christ and His Church
Marriage: Lifetime relationship that serves to protect the one-flesh union
Sexual Response Model: Same as Pearsall’s

HINTS FOR DIAGNOSING SEXUAL PROBLEMS

1.  THINK IN TERMS OF THE SYSTEMS NATURE OF THE SEXUAL RESPONSE

•  BIOLOGICAL AND NEUROHORMONAL
•  COGNITIVE OR ATTITUDINAL (“sexual wishes” or expectations and beliefs regarding the “sexual script”)
•  AFFECTIVE OR INTERPERSONAL (motives or willingness to engage in sex)
•  SPIRITUAL

2.  RECALL THAT EVERY PARTNER AND EVERY MARRIAGE
HAS SEXUAL PROBLEMS AT SOME POINT

3.  REMEMBER THAT SEXUALITY IS RELATED TO ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE, NOT JUST INTERCOURSE
 Example: willingness to engage in sex may be related to:

•   self-esteem and personal adequacy issues,
•   conflict in the relationship,
•   problems related to intimacy, trust, or territoriality,
•   performance anxiety,
•   pressure to be sexual.

4.  DO NOT PLACE AN OVEREMPHASIS ON LABELS

5.  TALK AS MUCH ABOUT HOW THE COUPLE IS LIVING AS HOW THEY ARE LOVING.   ASCERTAIN IF ONE OR BOTH PARTNERS SEEM ON A “HOT” OR “COLD” CYCLE OF PERSONAL AND MARITAL PRESSURE.

Example:
 
 “How are you running these days--hot or cold?”
  “Feeling excessive responsibilities?”
  “Do you feel you have too much to do in too little time?”
  “Feeling defeated?”
  “Feeling inadequate?”
 NOT JUST
 “You having erection problems?”
 “How many orgasms do you have?”

Hot lifestyle cycles run the neurohormonal system too hot and the biochemistry of the sexual system interferes with natural reflexes.

Cold lifestyle cycles lead to a “learned helplessness”

•  feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness
•  feeling that the world does not live up to expectations.

The neurohormonal system reflects this life orientation.

CASE STUDY           

DISTORTIONS OF THE ONE-FLESH UNION

DIFFERENTIATION

 Bob and Roberta have different views about:
                    when to make love
                    how to make love
 
                    Example:
                              Bob wants sex daily (or even twice daily)
                              Bob wants fellatio at any time regardless of place or
                                        cleanliness
                              Bob approves of masturbation and cunnilingus
                              Bob wants Roberta to have orgasms every time
                              Roberta wants sex once a week
                              Roberta finds fellatio, cunnilingus and masturbation repulsive
                              Roberta wants an orgasm infrequently (too tired)
                                    Bob wants Roberta to be like him while Roberta wants
                                    Bob to be like her.  Bob wants Roberta to enjoy sex as
                                        often as as much as he does.   EQUALITY

 Bob feels he has a spiritual mandate to be head of the wife and that his needs and his desires for Roberta to be sexually fulfilled should be met.  Roberta should submit to enjoy sex! Roberta feels like she is not Bob’s equal with respect to sexual decisions.  (Later in therapy, she will feel that Bob has “won”).

COMPLEMENTARITY

Roberta believes her responsibility as homemaker as overwhelming--she suffers from emotional overload.  She feels
                   Bob has not shouldered his share.
                   Roberta: “My sexuality has taken a lower priority to sleep, ‘peace’, downtime, and survival.”
Bob does not recognize the emotional overload problem and his role in it.  He sees no problem in getting a babysitter and going out for the evening (or the weekend), something Roberta is uncomfortable with.
                   Bob: “My sexuality is a big part of me, to be nurtured.”

UNITY

Bob feels rejected and acts strongly to it, withdrawing for hours or even days.  He feels he is a failure.  Then he persists, causing Roberta to resist.  Roberta feels misunderstood.  There is distance between them.

MONOGAMY AND EXCLUSIVENESS

Bob is a professional in ministry--Roberta feels Bob is married to the church.
Roberta is withdrawn into herself and eating depressed--she has withdrawn from relationship.

          The priority of commitment is skewed for each!
          Look for the double standard!  Look at their roles.

TOTAL OPENNESS

Bob blames Roberta for not submitting sexually as well as not wanting to enjoy sex.  As he persists in his demands, and she resists, he withdraws into his cave, shaming and blaming as he goes. Rob can’t acknowledge his hurt.
Roberta blames Bob for being abusive.  Also, she can’t acknowledge her hurt, and continues to resist attempts at reconnection.   Roberta alternates between blaming herself (“my greatest problem is lack of desire”) and blaming Bob (“he’s hyper”).
Examine the love maps for each partner for clues!

INTEGRATION

Bob and Roberta’s fights focus on sex or no sex...not enough or too much...not the right type...not the right amount of enjoyment.  Groin-centered discussions take precedence over the other four levels of connection.
Neither Bob or Roberta take the opportunity to develop  self-awareness, intimacy, connection with God, and connection with the current moment.

LOVE MAPS

1.  Describe the first explicit sex scene you ever actually witnessed in person.

         Bob: “I never saw any.”
         Roberta: “Mom always had boyfriends over who were overtly sexual.”

2.  How sexual do you think your parents were?

          Bob: “Mom and Dad never showed much affection.”
          Roberta: “I didn’t know my Dad that well.  Mom was sexual with her boyfriends.”

3.  How would you describe the male sex role?

          Bob: “Men are active initiators who make their wife happy.”
          Roberta: “Are men always that hypersexual?”

4.  How would you describe the female sex role?

          Bob: “Women should enjoy sex as much as I do.”
          Roberta: “Sexual relations are hard.  Sex has taken a low priority in my life.”

5.  Describe a “sex rehearsal”: sociosexual play with someone of your own gender.

6.  Describe a “sex rehearsal”: sociosexual play with someone of the opposite gender.

7.  Describe your best childhood same-sex friend.

8.  Describe your best childhood opposite-sex friend.

9.  Describe your most threatening same-sex childhood foe.

10  Describe your most threatening opposite-sex foe.

11.  Describe a sexual abuse experience.

          Bob: none
          Roberta: “I grew up with a brother who abused me.”

12.  Describe your own “sex imprint”, your own private “fetish”.

          Bob: sexy clothes
          Roberta: none

13.  Describe your first date.

          Bob: “Romantic”
          Roberta: “Romantic”

14.  Re-introduce your body to yourself.

          Bob: “My body is healthy, active, warm, strong, sexual...”
          Roberta: “I don’t feel all that comfortable talking about my body.”

15.  Describe your overall self-esteem.

          Bob: “High...well, at least most of the time.”
          Roberta: “I’m too tired to answer this.”

16.  What one personality characteristic do you feel you lack?

17.  Describe your feelings about autoerotic behavior.

 Bob: “It’s fine with me and I want Roberta to do it too.”
          Roberta: “It’s repulsive.”

18.  What is your primary mode of expression?

 Bob: Sex is wonderful and important.”
          Roberta: “Romantic love is wonderful.”

19.  Are you “outside” or “inside” directed?

          Bob sexualizes his sensations and urges.
          Roberta reacts to the outside (resists).

20.  Describe your sexual intercourse debut.

          Rushed in the car (before engagement).

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